Many times throughout the day I have that “you should blog about this” thought, thankfully I usually take a week to pray over it. And more times than not it is a song that touches the depths of my spirit and I feel what I should write. Tonight after taking the 5 kids to Walmart and then to bring daddy dinner and have birthday cake for my second-born’s SIXTH birthday I had just that feeling. I turned the song up and let the emotion grow with every line.
“My Story” Big Dadd Weave
‘If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn’t let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn’t mine
If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him
If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
And if I told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life overcome the grave
…..”
I am so glad that the majority of my youth was before the invention of social media. (I do not at all wish that on anyone!)
That being said, here I go…my story so far…
I was born to a military dad, which meant a move every couple of years. This is a BIG part of who I am. I don’t have “roots” or a childhood home. I don’t have life-long best friends. I am very social and do well in any social setting. I have never met a stranger. I can generally read people. People either love or hate me, there are very few luke-warm! I have a strong personality and can dominate conversations and settings. This is not intentional but moving every couple of years meant needing to be able to make new friends and adapt to new social settings, so a survival mechanism. We moved up the coast and across the country a few times. My dad was (always will be) a NAVY man! He was away on the sub and my mom was home.
At the beginning of my sixth grade year and ten years old we settled in Northern Virginia. In a few short years I became a child of divorce and very quickly lost my innocence I had preserved from living on military bases and strict parenting. At the young age of 12, I had grown-up vices and a baby face. Just a month after my fourteenth birthday I was admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning and violation. Removed from high school and transferred to another I was able to once again reinvent myself. Being young and having such an experience kept me on the straight and narrow for the most part. But eventually that girl who confused adult companionship with love, emerged once again. I was the “party girl” with the “party house”. I had many other descriptions but we will leave it there.
This behavior continued well into my late teens and I left home at seventeen. By twenty I had pretty much done it all (except drugs-my mom told me I was too pretty..lol). Then through bad behaviors, a DUI, totaled Lexus, and a return home (a couple times) to have to leave again I ended up with a family. It was total God thing. They took me in and loved me. At twenty-one (and finally legal to be in bars that I had frequented since seventeen) I decided I was done. I remember shortly after New Years telling a very good friend of mine I was done with it all, I just wanted to be married and have family, I spoke it “into the universe” and after a last crazy trip and “wild Jess”, (just four months later )I met BJ. He was the nephew of the family that so generously took me in and loved me. They gave me what I had need for so many years….someone to not leave, someone to love me through my bad decisions, someone who thought I was worth it! They were one of my first glimpses into Jesus.
BJ and I were a whirlwind relationship, completed what most people do in six months in just one night. We had a week together, decided to give it a shot, and the next month professed love. The following month I moved and we were now living together. Then the next pregnant with our first child. And almost 7 months to the day (and 20+ weeks pregnant) we were married.
We totally didn’t know each other and I am not sure “love” was our motivation for marriage. Four months later, Wyatt Louis was born. The days and months that proceeded were filled with fears, tears, and something close to hatred. Around our one year anniversary we found out we were expecting our second child. Things were improving in our marriage and another boy, William Cash was joining our family. I sought something when I was pregnant with Wyatt and wasn’t able to “find” it, so I stuffed those feelings with pregnancy number two. At this point in our marriage I still don’t think I was secure but the word “divorce” had stopped being used and we were starting to get to know each other.
Brielle came next. I was tired and nauseous all the time. I had two small boys and they weren’t easy. Strong-willed is the only word I can think of to describe them that is appropiate. Towards the end of my pregnancy and Easter of 2011 we began going to church, that “something more” feeling was back. I continued going every weekend and soon Brielle joined us outside the womb.
Then on Saturday, July 9, 2011 I reacted to a situation with Cash in a way that brought me to my knees! I was so tired (newborn, 2 strong-willed boys, almost 2 and 3). I needed help (my husband drove a truck and not home during waking hours much). It broke my heart that I could react that way to a baby! In case anyone is wondering he bite my niece and drew blood and I popped his mouth in anger. It tore me up.
The VERY next morning I knew the Lord heard my heart’s cry. I went to church with the then three kids and my pastor preached from Matthew! Matthew 11:28-30. A WHOLE sermon on these three verses it changed my life forever.
I committed right then and there an have been on this journey with the Lord that I never expected. He REDEEMED me! Through and amazing Beth Moore study, Breaking Free, that following Spring He showed me who I am in Him. He restored soul! He healed so many hurts. He showed me how to forgive. I have been able to see how He was always there. I can hear the enemy laughing thinking he had me and my loving Father just waiting for me to come home to HIM. My marriage has been redeemed and I am married to man that I adore. A man who makes me laugh and is always there for me. I truly can’t image life without him The word “divorce” is never uttered nor does it cross my mind , no even the darkest part. He continued and continues to grow my faith and family.
Four babes:
Then there was FIVE:
He has replaced my desires with His own. He lovingly reveals my sin and convicts me my transgressions. I know His Word is true and He promises to never leave nor forsake me. He is the LOVE I spent my youth searching for. He never condemns and has healed my hurts. He has given me a life that looks nothing like past.
He has put me in a place where I can minister to other. He has given me ministries. He is working something out in me and I am ever SO excited to see where we go next. I tell all this because it is my story! It is my testimony! I am not who I once was. He was there all along. He is visible through it all. He has worked my past of mistakes and sin into something I can use for good. He never gave up on me! His kindness kept drawing me closer. His grace was greater than all my sins! Mercy wins! To tell of my story is to tell of him.
“This is my story, This is my song, Praising my Savior all the days long“
Well Oiled Chaos 